Too Early written by Coolloyd
I went out on a date with this very sweet young lady recently and had an interesting experience with who I'll call "Open Olivia". Olivia found it interesting to tell me ALL her business on our second date. While I'm one for openness and honesty. She went on about her last THREE abusive boyfriends, how she and her mom don't get along ever since her step daddy tried to flirt with her. That she did some "dancing" in college but now it's out of her system. How she thinks her son is gonna be a thug like his daddy. I'm sitting here wondering why is she reading me the back chapters of her autobiography, but aside from me labeling her NUTZ and chunking the deuces, it had me wondering, when is the appropriate time to talk about "The Baggage"? I'm sure it's not the first or second date, but I'm also sure it's not at the honeymoon either.
What information should be brought to the table? Should a guy know you had 4 abortions? Did 2 weeks in jail for stabbing your ex boyfriend? Filed bankruptcy so you didn't have to pay your Dillards bill? Kissed a girl (well we'd love to know that one)? What type of stuff should NEVER be talked about?
13 comments:
Well I think all of that stuff can be shared after you said you wanted to date me exclusively and not all at once either...A little bit over time. You gotta like someone before you are accepting of their life situations.
Good Morning All........
Let me be the first to say that I believe in immediate disclosure especially when it is not me doing the disclosing. I am typically a very private person so I don't like to share private information with anyone until I know you very well. But on the other hand some things just need to be left to the imagination unless of course it threatens "my" life.
Very good topic. I think that every situation is unique. Now "Open Olivia" went a bit too far. But you have to wonder, did she divulge all of that information because she wanted to be cautious of who she keeps around as company? She seems to have been in a few too many bad situations and probably doesn't want to go past the second date if there is a possibility of any abusive characteristics. I honestly think your "baggage" shouldn't be discussed until you feel a certain level of trust, intimacy and some sort of commitment. Other wise it's none of their business, point, blank, period.
Some information upon initial meeting is good to know like you have children, you are recently divorced or you work for Bank of America....
other information like you recently stalked your ex-boyfriend at his wedding, you just robbed a bank or your electricity was cut off yesterday, while that info would be greatly appreciated I think we can hold off on that til later...if there is a later!
Just get to know the person and see what they are about generically before divulging all of your deepest darkest secrets...
I agree with everyone else on when the time is appropriate. I, too, believe that there is a time and a place to disclose some types of information and quite honestly, if it isn't relevant to me and that person, then it's a need to know basis. Although I believe in being who you are and not sugar coating yourself, I personally believe she spilled her guts a little too quickly. You have to be careful what you tell a person because they can develop misperceptions about you - it's only natural to do so based on information shared. If you are seeking to date someone, although you have changed, you might not want to talk about your stalkerish ways in the past because that person doesn't know you have changed; but if you two have been seeing each other for some time and yall are talking about something relative, then maybe you can throw it out there as a joke, but I definitely wouldn't mention it up front. I believe getting to know someone is not getting to know their history but getting to know who they are through their personality, their reactions to you.
Personally, I feel that you should inform the person who you are meeting most information could end up turning the way the person feels about you in the future. If you person is really interested in who you are they will stick around and work through. However, if you notice you are getting the cold shoulder after giving that information hey move around. But you still have to consider that all things have to be done decently and in order not just sporadically.
Wow interesting....... Dating is just that.. one can easily turn a person off. So try to enjoy the date without being too serious. And if you dont want to see the brother again sharing yo baggage will surely turn him off and if he is still interested he may really like you or be just plain desperate.Be careful what you share. That sharing early makes me nervous.
But brothas please tell about all of your children as this is not baggage....I would like to know how you're sharing yo benefits.
Open communication is great and the source of healthy relationships. I think in this case, it sounds like she was sharing baggage that she's still carrying. We all have been through stuff, but it's how we carry it is what defines who we are. Some people tote too much luggage, while it's best to travel through life with carry-ons!
I think some stuff should be mentioned, and discussed, and other stuff should be "left to the imagination" as Asimplejoy said!
My girl Open Olivia probably felt that by getting all that stuff out there first, you know where she stands and her history and you can accept or reject the friendship. While I commend her for that, she will probably get a REJECT 100% of the time since she reeks of drama.
I think we as women do not realize when we are bringing drama to the table, especially when our whole life has been full of drama. All Open Olivias need to heal those things that has wounded them in the past before attempting to start a healthy relationship, whether that relationship is as friends or romantic.
When should you disclose? Some things are just not worth disclosing. Some things are just lessons in which we should learn from and grow. So ladies as we are dating and having fun in our singleness we need to be mindful if we meet that guy we are ready to give up our singleness to be sure that he is even worthy of sharing those very personal parts of our lives with, but in the mean time enjoy the new friendship and continue celebrating the awesome, beautiful, sexy woman you are.
Question: Say you're married or in a serious relationship and you're having difficulties trying to have kids. Do you tell your guy about the multiple abortions you had in your early 20s that (the doctor said when you got them) may be the issue or do you just leave that in the closet and hope it's something else.
Well perhaps she felt she did not want you to waste your time or hers. Maybe she felt if she divulged that info in the beginning, you could decide whether or not you wanted to be there. It sure beats the hell out of finding out how crazy she is after you have proposed to her. Do I think she went too far too early, yes. Info should be divulged on "an as needed basis."
As for the abortions, that shouldn't be considered baggage. That should be discussed when the subject of wanting to have children come up (not offered without being warranted).
Yes, you do disclose the abortions at that time. However, if you are in a serious relationship with someone hopefully you discuss whether you want children or not. If that is something that is important to him it should be disclosed then. You should not marry someone and then tellthem something like that. If he truly loves her it will not matter and they will come up with an alternative plan for conception.
I agree with Beloved....
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